“open wide my door, my door, my Lord,
to whatever makes me love you more.
Open wide my door
while there’s still light to run towards,”
When I was much younger, maybe 3 years old, I cut my hair. I was born with curly hair…Shirley Temple-esque. After chopping it off one day while Mama wasn’t looking, it grew back in straight. As I got older my favorite way to style it was to brush it smooth and part it in the middle. Combined with my natural love for tie-dye, long skirts, and the outdoors, my Papa began calling me a Flower Child before I even knew what a hippie is.
Since then my hair’s curl families have gotten back together. My love of the hippies remains; though I prefer to think it has become more of a wide-eyed outlook with a bohemian edge.
One of the sterotypes associated with such folk is a chill attitude. And from the people I’ve met, young and old, who are were or are hippies, that’s pretty true. It’s also the way I prefer to live…yet, lately I’ve come to a sobering realization.
IT’S NOT TRUE.
I’m not as chill as I want to be. I worry more than I should, or want to. At this moment I’d love to head out into the sequoias and John Muir it up for a while. There’s a different solution, one you’ve probably heard before or even expect me to say…(I feel like I do this a lot on the blog)…but that’s because it’s true.
My reliance on God should be 100 times what it is.
Each year of college I prayed with confidence that I’d be able to come back to school. Even though there was the possibility of a fear — Will the loans go through? Can I buy my books? — I chose to trust God to provide in that way. Hadn’t He put me in Houghton? Hadn’t He provided what I needed & more for my whole life? Not because I’m some model Christian, either, but because He truly cares for our lives.
In this moment I realize I’ve let that slip in recent days. There’s a difference between concern/reality (acknowledging I have bills to pay & I need a job) and worry (constant fretting about paying the bills & doubting). And I need to nip this worry in the bud. My God is the Creator of the universe, and He is all-mighty. Now that I see my worry problem, if I continue in it I offend Him more.
I’d hoped that I could get by with one part-time job and use the other part of my time to work solely on fundraising, but I do need to take a second job. Many people I know have to do this, so I don’t think I’m a special case. But after the amount of time it took to find my job at the preschool, it was frustrating to realize the process isn’t over. The positive side is now I’ve got a reference from a friend to work at a restaurant where she works. I think this could be a great opportunity & from the other events in my life…I know God has a sense of humor. And He can use my experience in this possible 2nd job to be useful in my life and even in the missions work I’ll be doing with HOPE61, as He is using my 1st job. Now that I’ve repented my worry, I’ve also asked God to make that the case again.
Even this very minute, He used something small to strengthen my heart. I am not forgotten or overlooked. My prayers are for trust.
And so, dear friends, please pray with me.
Pray that I’ll be as chill as I wish I was… : )
Pray that I will, soon, get this job.
Pray that the hours will fit in well with my other responsibilities.
Pray that even with extra work I will keep my focus on my love — Jesus Christ — and on my main job: preparing support & myself to serve Ireland.
God, forgive me my fears. I believe; help my unbelief.